Knock on Woods
KNOCK ON WOODS AWARDS
Greetings Citizens! As the Baseball season comes to a close, so ends my
tenure as a Student Reporter for TedSilary.com. I am off to work for the
Inquirers High School Sports website, ToddZolecki.com, where they are
said to have a Random Thoughts Page. I thought Id leave all of you
loyal readers with a little treat- The first (and last) ever KNOCK ON
WOODS AWARDS! Some are for real, some are jokes, some are important,
others pointless, but ALL are great honors that recipients should be
extremely proud of. If you actually want an award ask Ted for a plaque
or email me and Ill see what I can do about getting you a shoddy
certificate. Congratulations if your name or school is listed below. If
its not and you think it should be, work really hard on it over the
summer and maybe next year you will be rewarded by some asinine reporter
like myself. If Ive offended anyone with these awards or in any of my
reports, I apologize. They are meant for fun and not to humiliate
anyone. As always, the Prep carries home the most hardware
Best Sports Program: Prep
Worst Sports Program: Kennedy-Kenrick
Best Trash talkers/Chanters: McDevitt
Biggest Trash talkers: Prep fans
Best Baseball Fans: Kennedy-Kenrick & McDevitt
Best Football Fans: Prep
Best Basketball Fan Section: No school was half as good as they were
last year, so no one is worthy.
Best Basketball Players: Mark Zoller and John Griffin. Happy now, Prep
Best Cheerleaders: McDevitt. Consider this an apology.
Best Football Breakdown warm-up: West Catholic, for hitting their pads
to the beat of Grinding
Basketball Coach of the Year: Speedy Morris
Worst Basketball Coach of the Year: __________ Ill let you fill in the
Most Arrogant Athlete of the Year: Chaz Scott, Carroll
Runner up: Dan Waters, La Salle
Knock on "Knock on Woods" Award: Prep- for sending the most "fan" mail
criticizing my reports.
"Hey, We don't recruit" Award: Prep. By now we are all aware of Prep's
Football stars reading disability. While it is a heroic feat that he
overcame this disability, you've got to wonder how he got into the Prep
if admission is based on academics. Chances are he didn't get a 99% on
his entrance exam. That's just something stupid to think about.
The "I've seen and evaluated every person that has ever picked up a
basketball in Philly" Award: Amauro. Sometimes when I play pick-up games
or shoot around in my backyard I wonder if he's hiding in the trees and
The Nostradamus Award: Huck. His weekend forecast narrowly beat out my
basketball playoff picks. (smile)
The Houdini Award: Sparky, for completely disappearing from the scene. I
took into account his large size, and that his vanishing is quite an
Reporter of the Year: Ted Silary. I'm sure this award is the Highlight
of his career (smile). Plus after all the trouble I've caused him, I owe
him a little brownnosing.
The Box score Award for bland reporting: Mike Sunderland
The Player/Reporter Award: Andy Barks
The most entertaining Column: Dan the SalaMANder/Sals CL picks
Best Column name: Duck Tales. Wheewww ewww!
Worst Column Name: Payin the Bills. Oh I get it, because his name is
Bill! Yeah its not that funny.
Worst Nickname: Sal. Dan rhymes with Man, which is in the word
Salamander until we somehow get Sal out of Dan McLaughlin.
The Bill Smith Award for hard work and frequent reporting: Bill
Runner-up: Dan LePera.
The Sorry for the lateness Award: Sean Knock on Woods
The "Our entire league is a joke" award: The Pub. (I'm not so sure about
this anymore, but I'm still going to keep the joke.)
The "We beat all 3 teams in our league and now we're the Champs" award:
School with Hottest Girls: Ryan
Runners up: O'Hara, Carroll and Wood.
The "I wrote for TedSilary.com and now I'm gonna be a writer!" Award:
Kieran Leary, Mike Madera, Pat Gordon, Dan McLaughlin and Mike
Sunderland, who are all now majoring in journalism.
The Best of the Worst Division: Catholic League Blue Football.
Most Hated email address: firstname.lastname@example.org, which plagued many
visitors with numerous annoying Fwds.
The "Malibu's Most Wanted" Award: The entire Wood Basketball team.
The Tatty Award: McDevitt, for having the most tattoos. Contrary to
popular belief, I do not fall into this category. The one in my picture
was a fake. I thought it was obvious but I guess not.
The "Let's go cow-tipping after the game" Award: Conwell-Egan.
The "That's my dad with the chest hair and gold chain peaking out of his
half-zipped pullover Award: Neumann
The Rocky Balboa" Award: Norff Catholic
The We recruit and house foreigners for soccer Award: La Salle
The Hammer Award: Prep, for being the biggest tools.
The "I've got a chip on my shoulder" award: McDevitt
The "Mom, ask everyone we know to write an email to Ted Silary saying
how good I am" Award: Curtis Brinkley, WC
The Worst Fan of the Year Award: Drew Head Carnevale for leading a
Gary Papa chant during a LaSalle/McD football game so the Sallies
could get on Action News.
The Best Fan of the Year Award: P.J. Mullen. Bold move!
The "What am I going to do with my life now that there are no longer
ITs?" Award: TATE
Best IT writers: Mullen & Tate. (Present company excluded)
Most Annoying IT writers: Magillamagic, every Pub kid that complains
about his team getting no respect, a. ryan, and Carroll & Prep fans.
Best Disciplinarian/Coach Award: Jack Rutter. He does a fine job at
The Vet Award: Dougherty. For having the absolute worst fields to play
on in any sport.
Hot Head Batter Award: Dan Leonard, Judge
Hot Head Pitcher Award: Bob Mitros, McDevitt
^when these two face each other- watch out!
The Worst thing about TedSilary.com this year: The Removal of a Thoughts
page and the Fan Tournament; both suck badly!
The Worst Thing to happen to the Catholic League this year: The breaking
up of the Krazy Korner.
The Best Thing to happen to the Catholic League this year: Sean Woods
The Luckiest people in the CL: Anyone who intended to participate in the
Fan tourney and was spared having their ankles broken by me.
The Unluckiest person in the CL: Me, for not getting the opportunity to
break everyones ankles in the Fan Tourney. (Im beginning to sound like
Kev Hanlon, remember him?)
The McGovern Award (taken from the 2002 Sal Awards): Chris Lubanski,
for being the best player on the worst team.
The Mark Finley 3-sport star Award: Matt Brazil, C-E
The All-Interview Award: Bryan Adamson, NE. Bryan is partially deaf, but
still endured my mumbling and low volume. Thanks dude.
The School with the Fattest kids: Bonner. I wonder what their lunch
ladies serve. Hoagies and grinders. Navy beans, Navy beans, Meatloaf
sandwich, Sloppy joe. Slop, sloppy joe. -taken from the Adam Sandler
song Lunch Lady Land
The Master Splinter Award: The kid on Romans baseball team that looks
like the Rat from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
The Greg Goldberg Award: North C Mike Karpovich. I bet if that ball was
a cheeseburger youd block it
(Im sure the winners of the last two awards are great guys, but I was
running out of jokes and these were there to be made)
The Name in Bold Award: Ted usually puts peoples names in bold to
draw attention to deserving players. Here is a list of names that were
bolded this season that I dont think were trying to get attention from
any college scouts: Harry Potter, Baba Booey, JFK, Jared from Subway,
Keith Hernandez, Carl Winslow, Julie Andrews, Howard Eskin, Dan the Cop,
El Wingadore, Sideshow Bob, Martha and the Vandellas, Mother Nature,
Goldberg, and Peter Gabriel.
Thanks again to everyone who read, helped out, and sent feedback.
Special thanks to Bill Gates for making a Thesaurus on Microsoft Word to
help make me look smart- (Shift + F7) I mean astute. Also, thanks to my
colleagues for keeping me informed and entertained, and thanks
especially to Ted. The busiest man in high school sports somehow found
the time to answer all of my annoying emails, and clean up all of my
unsuitable jokes. I really appreciate it. Youll hear from me again next
year when I appoint my successor, the next official Krazy Korner
Korrespondent in an Intelligent Thought. Thats right, an Intelligent
Thought, I have faith! Feel free to email me at email@example.com
you have any special requests, dedications or shout outs. Good luck to
all of the senior athletes on all of your future endeavors, be they
athletic or otherwise. Good luck to all the coaches and young athletes
on next season and remember to have fun.
You have checked the Pulse . . .
Thats a good closing isnt it? I wish I had a little valediction like
that. Instead Ill leave you with these earnest words: Peace, God Bless
and Keep it Real.